Preserving a near-lost legacy and heritage.
Sharing and Caring on behalf of Torah Judaism.

How do we deal with a particular problem? My philosophy is that I can only change myself, and what I'm going to do now is to look at myself. Have I done anything to cause or exacerbate or encourage this problem?

It's tempting to think "if the other party would only change, then things would be better." But if I'm not happy with something that my husband does essentially I'm the one who is having the problem.

I can influence him through my positive behavior but I can't change him!

And when he realizes that I'm on his side and not accusing him, blaming or complaining he can much more readily do something about that very thing I'm bothered about - knowing that there is a supportive person on his side, as opposed to another finger being pointed at him.

Nobody is going to make themselves vulnerable to someone who they know is angry with them.

In resolving a problem, the first question is, do I want to resolve it or do I want to blame and complain? That's my choice. If I choose to take responsibility and work on resolving the problem I have to do it in the appropriate setting. If I'm feeling very angry, then it's a question of dealing with the anger.

I personally used to go into a sulk when I was angry, and I've had to learn how to deal with it. First I had to realize that I was a sulker and then I had to make a decision - did I want to go with that behavior or not? My decision was that when an argument occurred and my inclination was to feel sorry for myself and go into a sulk I decided instead to exercise control over myself.

I would go into another room and have what I call a" pity party."

During that time I would take a look at myself. I made a decision that I'm only going to look at the part that I played in initiating or exacerbating the argument. It is my time of self-reflection, introspection, time to think and not blame and complain. When I am finished I am much more capable of resolving whatever the problem was, maybe not at that moment but at some later time.

This new way of handling a situation that inevitably blew up into much more than it needed to be took a long time for me to put into practice. And even longer for my husband to realize that I really had changed. But it has brought me to a new level and consequently raised our relationship up several degrees.

We are in this world to refine ourselves and have positive influence on those we love.

Attitude is everything - I can decide how to respond to each and every potentially volatile situation that occurs. To quote the great sage known as Der Shpoler Zayde: "We cannot help what happens to us, only how we respond to it."

More to come on this subject. We have just begun....

The key is taking responsibility and choosing not to blame and complain.